Life

My eyez are green…

Cause I eat a lot of vegetables
It don’t have nothing to do with you new friend ~ Erykah Badu

~~ interesting title huh?

Can I be transparent for this post? Yes!
Okay, here it goes….

Here’s my disclaimer: I am not a jealous/envious person. When I say I’m happy for someone, I really am. If I’m not, I won’t say anything.

But here’s my dilemma.

Whenever I hear that someone is preggo, I lose my freaking mind! I swear I can’t sleep at night, it consumes my thoughts. I analyze their life, using whatever information I’m privy too, to try to determine; why them and not me.

Over the weekend, a relative told me that she was expecting. (This is the 2nd relative in about 4months or so). In both cases, the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy are a bit chaotic, but even if their circumstances were ideal (happy family, finances in order, both mom/dad to be wanting the child) I would still feel this way.

I know that everything happens according to God’s will. I know that, when it’s my time, it will happen. I know that delayed does not mean denied.

But dammit, I am human and I swear, every month I see my cycle, I feel let down.

I truly have to pray, “Lord, I know you have a plan for us, and when it’s time we will be blessed” I have to ask ” Lord forgive me for being jealous, envious, and just a little bit bitter”.

And after a couple of months pass, I accept the fact that it’s not me, but them.
And then I turn into super friend/cousin/sister and happily share in expectancy of new life.

Until then, I stay away, I avoid communication, b/c I don’t ever want my jealousy to flare up, and show. I don’t want them to know that it hurts me to my core to see their bodies as they transform to accommodate their growing child. I don’t want them to feel uncomfortable around me b/c they want to spare my feelings.

When people ask why we haven’t had kids, I usually respond “we’re not ready” or “we still have a few things we want to do before we have kids and they take over, lol” or something along those lines. When in fact, we are ready and would love to have kids taking over.

Oh well, it is what it is.
I’ll be okay in a few weeks.
Until then Operation: greeneyes/deepcover is in full effect! Lol

Happy Monday to ya!

22 thoughts on “My eyez are green…”

  1. Ya know Patticake, my wife feels the same way. We talk about it and initially, we had a 5year rule…we still have 2 years left on that. I have gone from being down for it, to being down on it. BUT, I know that my wife wants one, so its something to think about. Its such a major decision. I am rambling, but I just want you to know that ya boy hears you….and his wife….loud and clear. *hugs*

  2. maybe you should stop saying those things… “speak those things that are not as if they were” “you will have what you say” next time someone ask you say you are waiting on God to bless you with one.
    i can’t say i know what you are going through cause weren’t none of mine planned. i was Fertile Martel for a while. so when you need some practice i got an 8, 6, 4, 2, & 1 year old that you can practice on. oh and BTW you will NEVER be READY for a baby… thats just not possible!

    sending you all my fertility. i’ll make you a baby quilt when you spit your first out!!!

  3. Thanks for being open and transparent with us. You can definitely be real anytime with your BeFF!!

    Gurl I understand about having “one of those days”. It is funny. I want to be in a marriage. You have that. But you want a baby. I guess we all want something huh? Just continue to work on the “two” of you and the the more you concentrate on that before you know it you will have “three”..4….5 and your cup will be more than overflowing! LOL

    I agree lets BOTH speak those things as thou they WERE (not are)….My strong loving God-filled marriage is going wonderful girl!! ;o)

  4. Its good u can be real and open. U just said out loud, what everybody thinks at some point or another, with something in life. Im not a holy roler or nothing but I do know for a fact that God works on HIS own time. When we think we are sooooo far behind in life, we are actually right on track. That feeling of green is gonna come and go, for the rest of everybodies life, because we are human. So dont worry bout it. Keep ur head up. Keep ur joy. Mosy HAPPINESS is based on whats HAPPENING. So keep ur joy. U and the hubby are gonna be yelling and trying to get rid of the kids in no time. Much love! BTW. stop trying to figure HIM out. U just gonna give urself a headache. Lol!!!
    PoP

  5. Carm… go head and let HIM use ya! Lol you defintely gave me a new perspective. And from here on out, I wil be Speaking those things! LOL @ you loaning out the kids!

    Stacey… you know I love ya girlie! Can’t wait to have couples night with you and your hubby 🙂

    POP!!! Well well well… What rock have YOU been hiding under!? Been missing you ’round these parts!
    Thanks for the advice! It’s greatly appreciated, welcomed, and ON POINT!!!
    I have one question for ya… Will you babysit?! LOL

  6. You know I had a friend to go through the same thing. She attempted to get pregnant for over a year and nothing. Everyone else was getting pregnant around her and she became so sad. I told her it will happen when she least expects it. Her body will let her know. When she stopped actively trying and her husband and her had a night of just plain fun (liquor included) and just made love. It happened. Two years later. After she had her baby I had one of my motor mouth moments and said “You will be pregnant again in about a year”. She said girl we can’t afford another kid right now. I said it again “you will be pregnant in another year. Low and behold she was pregnant two years later. Some time I have these prophesies. So I am here to tell you relax and enjoy yourself. It will happen when you aren’t thinking about it.

    Keep hope alive girl!

  7. Thanks for sharing. That is real, and I know it was not easy to do. These feelings do not make you a bad person…we are all human and have those moments, I know I do sometimes when I see couples. I will stand in agreement with you.

  8. Hey girl,

    I agree with Cas, it will come when you least expect it. I had a friend that wanted a baby so bad, she got a dog and dressed the damn dog like a baby raincoat, stroller, everything. Well after 8 years she didn’t think it would happen and BAM!! Baby. Same with my husband – he was the only child until he was 26 years old. His mom and step-dad, tried and tried nothing. Than she got preggers. I am not saying you want to have a child so late. I am just saying what everyone else basically has said. In due time, and btw, your not jealous or envious.

    And your right, this too shall pass. Sorry for the long post. Keep ya head up sistah (I almost wrote something else instead of head – ya feel me) :0

  9. Cas… do we have a prophet among us? 🙂 Thanks for the encouragement 😀

    keli…I guess we all have a “thing” huh?! 🙂 thx for the agreement!

    Urbanknitrix… hmmm wonder what you were gonna to substitute for head. LOL Thanx chica! btw… I do not see any dogs in my future!

  10. I love how you wrote that so candidly. Being open and honest is a breath of fresh air, women too often are full of falseness and negative praise. I hope a baby is on its way to you very soon 🙂

  11. Hey girl. Well, if you saw my post about adoption, you know I can relate. I know how it feels. I deal with my pain over this daily. Going to God and much crying and praying and loving support from my dh and my family and my church family is what continues to help me. And, unfortunately, people who got pg right away, don’t always get how intense it is to want this thing thats supposed to be a”given” and to feel like you are being denied it.They love us and they support us as much as they can and I appreciate it. But I will tell you something. I was reading something this morning that inspired me and reminded me that God is bigger than all my stuff. I can’t see a way, but God knows the way. He is a dream keeper and I firmly believe that if that dream is on your heart and in your heart, then God put it there and he has every intension of bringing your dreams into your reality. In my experience, He has never come when I wanted him to, or thought he would, but my blessing have all be right on the money. So, hang in there, keep putting it before the Lord, and watch him do something amazing in this area for you!

    Sorry, did not mean to preach, but I have been on this journey for a while and as you can tell, I have some strong feelings about it.

  12. Be bold with God and tell him what you need, have faith and he will give you the desires of your heart. I know it’s hard, but try not to could your heart with the feeling of jealousy etc because your covering up what God needs to see. God Bless.

  13. also… i’ve always thought asking people when they’re going to have children is the rudest question ever b/c what if there are fertility issues? do you want to hear that nosy?!?! sigh.

  14. I agree with carm. Speak them Bebe’s kids into existence!

    BTW, once you get ’em, you can’t give ’em back. No refunds and no exchanges!

    My sis and hubby tried for five years and now my nephew is here. His them music? Welcome to the Terrordome! LOL

    *hugs to ya girl*

  15. Hey there Meggy!! All the way from Australia, WOW! You know it feels great to just BE. Getting things off your chest makes you feel better. And it’s always great to get other’s p.o.v.

    Wassup BGood! Thx for the *hugs*

    Kim it was good chatting with you! Thx 🙂

    Nittygritty… thank ya! Great advice and not just as it applies to this post.

    Jameil, it is sorta rude huh?! Have to go for shock value to stop the attack of the nosy rosies! LOL Thx!

    @ Ms. Lee…. not the terrerdome!! LOL he can’t be that bad!

  16. Honey I know you will be an EXCELLENT mother and I can’t wait for the day when you tell all of your cyberspace friends that you and Ian are awaiting a new addition to your crazy family :o) Keep on keepin on honey. I know exactly how you feel and I’m not even married.

  17. AWWWW PJ! I will donate my eggs, fallopian tubes and all that. I love other peoples children but I dont think Ill ever have any of my own.

    I cant wait till someone Im really close to have a baby and I can make silly faces, and buy baby cloths, and have the whole house smelling lime baby powder.

    Its nothing else left for me to say that havent already been said so hang in there and call me when it happens lol You know I like sending packages.

    eb

  18. I unconsciously filled my new house with signs of the future I wanted. This included mother/daughter art, baby dolls, girl toys (all stored safely). My excuse was that black dolls were hard to find. But I even crocheted baby girl stuff. A few years later and BAM! God blessed me even though I had sinned. God is faithful. When I can shed some of my pride, maybe I’ll buy some boxer shorts, some house shoes and a sports channel. Just a thought. Claim it!

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